WEB GRAFFITI ZINE
Zine 47
Collated by Bill Hillman


An eclectic collection of oddities, humorous anecdotes, weird photos,
funny headlines, cartoons, puzzles, inspirational items, jokes, and more...
gathered here as a reference repository for
speakers, lecturers, teachers, students, writers,
or Web travellers just looking for diversion and a bit of levity.

TIME GETS BETTER WITH AGE

Read it through to the end, it gets better  as you go! LEARNING never ends until.........

SUBJECT: TEACHER ARRESTED

At New York's Kennedy airport today, an individual later discovered to be a public school teacher was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a set square, a slide rule, and a calculator.  At a morning press conference, Attorney General John Ashcroft said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-gebra movement.
He is being charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.

Al-gebra is a fearsome cult," Ashcroft said.  "They desire average solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in a search of absolute value.  They use secret code names like 'x' and 'y' and refer to themselves as 'unknowns', but we have determined they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country.  As the Greek philosopher Isosceles used to say,

'There are 3 sides to every triangle'."

When asked to comment on the arrest, President Bush said: "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes."

MARRIAGE: WORDS OF WISDOM FROM THE MOUTHES OF BABES

HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY?
(1) You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming. -- Alan, age 10
(2) No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with. -- Kirsten, age 10

WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
(1) Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.-- Camille, age 10
(2) No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get married.-- Freddie, age 6 (very wise for his age)

HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
(1) You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.-- Derrick, age 8

WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
(1) Both don’t want any more kids.-- Lori, age 8

WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
(1) Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.-- Lynnette, age 8 (isn't she a treasure)
(2) On the  first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually gets them  interested enough to go for a second date.
-- Martin, age 10

WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?
(1) I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the read columns. -- Craig, age 9
WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
(1) When they're rich.-- Pam, age 7
(2) the law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that.-- Curt, age 7
(3) the rule goes like this:  If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them.  It's the right thing to do.-- Howard, age 8

IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
(1) I don't know which is better, but I'll tell you one thing. I'm never going to have sex with my wife. I don't want to be all grossed out. -- Theodore, age 8
(2) It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.-- Anita, age 9 (bless you child)

HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?
(1) There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?-- Kelvin, age 8

 And the #1 Favorite is........

HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
(1) Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a truck.-- Ricky, age 10

ONE LINERS
1. My husband and I divorced over religious differences.He thought he was God and I didn't.
2. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
3. I work hard because millions on welfare depend on me.
4. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
5. Don't take life too seriously; no one gets out alive.
6. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.
7. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
8. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
9. I'm not a complete idiot -- some parts are missing.
10. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
11. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.
12. God must love stupid people. He made so many.
13. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
14. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
15. Ever stop to think and forget to start again?
16. Being "over the hill" is much better than being under it!
17. Wrinkled was not one of the things I wanted to be when I grew up.
18. Procrastinate now!
19. I have a degree in liberal arts; Do you want fries with that?
20. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
21. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
22. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!
23. They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.
24. He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead.
25. A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.
26. Ham and eggs. A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.
27. The trouble with life is there's no background music.
28. The original point and click interface was a Smith and Wesson

GOODBYE JOHNNY
After almost three decades of jokes and pantomimed golf strokes, Johnny Carson delivered his final monologue May 22, 1992 as host of "The Tonight Show." This is what he said:

Around the studio, we are still on an emotional high from last night; we have not come down yet. I want to thank Robin Williams and Bette Midler for last night, for giving us an excellent show. They were absolutely sensational.

The show tonight is our farewell show; it's going to be a little bit quieter. It's not going to be a performance show. One of the questions people have been asking me, especially this last month, is, "What's it like doing 'The Tonight Show,' and what does it mean to me?"

Well, let me try to explain it. If I could magically, somehow, that tape you just saw, make it run backwards. I would like to do the whole thing over again. It's been a hell of a lot of fun. As an entertainer, it has been the great experience of my life, and I cannot imagine finding something in television after I leave tonight that would give me as much joy and pleasure, and such a sense of exhilaration, as this show has given me. It's just hard to explain.

Now it's a farewell show. There's a certain sadness among the staff, a little melancholy. But look on the bright side: you won't have to read or hear one more story about my leaving this show. The press coverage has been absolutely tremendous, and we are very grateful. But my God, the Soviet Union's end did not get this kind of publicity. The press has been very decent and honest with me, and I thank them for that . . . That's about it.

The greatest accolade I think I received: G.E. named me "Employee of the Month." And God knows that was a dream come true.

I don't like saying goodbye. Farewells are a little awkward, and I really thought about this -- no joke -- wouldn't it be funny, instead of showing up tonight, putting on a rerun? NBC did not find that funny at all.

Next question I get is what am I gonna do? Well, I have not really made any plans. But the events of this last week have helped me make a decision. I am going to join the cast of Murphy Brown, and become a surrogate father to that kid.
During the run on the show there have been seven United States Presidents, and thankfully for comedy there have been eight Vice Presidents of the United States. Now I know I have made some jokes at the expense of Dan Quayle, but I really want to thank him tonight for making my final week so fruitful.

Here is an interesting statistic that may stun you. We started the show Oct. 2, 1962. The total population of the Earth was 3 billion 100 million people. This summer 5 billion 500 million people, which is a net increase of 2 billion 400 million people, which should give us some pause. A more amazing statistic is that half of those 2 billion 400 million will soon have their own late-night TV show.

Now, originally NBC came and said, what we would like you to do in the final show, is to make it a two-hour prime-time special with celebrities, and a star-studded audience. And I said, well, I would prefer to end like we started -- rather quietly, in our same time slot, in front of our same shabby little set. It is rather shabby. We offered it to a homeless shelter and they said 'No, thank you.' I am taking the applause sign home -- putting it in the bedroom. And maybe once a week just turning it on.

But we do have a V.P.I. audience -- V.P.I. audience? We could have had that, too. What I did was ask the members of the staff and the crew to invite their family, relatives and friends, and they did; with some other invited guests. My family is here tonight; my wife, Alex, my sons Chris and Cory. My brother Dick and my sister Katherine, a sprinkling of nephews and nieces. And I realized that being an offspring of someone who is constantly in the public eye is not easy. So guys, I want you to know that I love you; I hope that your old man has not caused you too much discomfort. It would have been a perfect evening if their brother Rick would have been here with us, but I guess life does what it is supposed to do. And you acccept it and you go on.

About tonight's show. This is not really a performance show. This is kind of a look-back retrospective. We are going to show you some moments in time. Some images of the many people, and there have been some 23,000 people. We are going to show you a little excerpt of how the show is put together, so go get some more cheese dip and we'll be back in just a moment.

MATURE JOKES
Are you mature enough for these?

 I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.

 Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman: "And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked. She simply replied, "No peer pressure."

 The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs.

 Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, "How old was your husband?"
    "98," she replied.  "Two years older than me."
    "So you're 96," the undertaker commented.
    She responded, "Hardly worth going home, is it?"

 I've sure gotten old. I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees. Fought prostate cancer and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation, hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends.   But, thank God, I still have my driver's license!

     A 97-year-old man goes into his doctor's office and says, "Doc, I want my sex drive lowered."
      "Sir," replied the doctor, "you're 97. Don't you think your sex drive is all in your head?"
    "You're damned right it is!" replied the old man. That's why I want it lowered!"

 An elderly woman from Brooklyn decided to prepare her will and make her final requests. She told her rabbi she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Bloomingdales.
    "Bloomingdales?" the rabbi exclaimed. "Why Bloomingdales? "
    "Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me! twice a week."

 Cardiologist Funeral
 A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral. A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service.  Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever. At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said, "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral...I'm a gynecologist."
 That's when the proctologist left.

GOTTA LOVE LOSE GRAPHIC ARTISTS


INTERNET RUMOURS ARE FUN
THE TOP 15 BIBLICAL WAYS TO ACQUIRE A WIFE

1. Find an attractive prisoner of war, bring her home, shave her head, trim her nails, and give her new clothes. Then she's yours. - (Deuteronomy 21:11-13)
2. Find a prostitute and marry her. - (Hosea 1:1-3)
3. Find a man with seven daughters, and impress him by watering his flock. - Moses (Exodus 2:16-21)
4. Purchase a piece of property, and get a woman as part of the deal. - Boaz (Ruth 4:5-10)
5. Go to a party and hide. When the women come out to dance, grab one and carry her off to be your wife. - Benjaminites (Judges 21:19-25)
6. Have God create a wife for you while you sleep. Note: this will cost you. - Adam (Genesis 2:19-24)
7. Agree to work seven years in exchange for a woman's hand in marriage. Get tricked into marrying the wrong woman. Then work another seven years for the woman you wanted to marry in the first place. That's right. Fourteen years of toil for a wife. - Jacob (Genesis 29:15-30)
8. Cut 200 foreskins off of your future father-in-law's enemies and get his daughter for a wife. - David (I Samuel 18:27)
9. Even if no one is out there, just wander around a bit and you'll definitely find someone. (It's all relative, of course.) - Cain (Genesis 4:16-17)
10. Become the emperor of a huge nation and hold a beauty contest. - Xerxes or Ahasuerus (Esther 2:3-4)
11. When you see someone you like, go home and tell your parents, "I have seen a ... woman; now get her for me." If your parents question your decision, simply say, "Get her for me. She's the one for me." - Samson (Judges 14:1-3)
12. Kill any husband and take HIS wife (Prepare to lose four sons, though). - David (2 Samuel 11)
13. Wait for your brother to die. Take his widow. (It's not just a good idea; it's the law.) - Onana and Boaz (Deuteronomy or Leviticus, example in Ruth)
14. Don't be so picky. Make up for quality with quantity. - Solomon (1 Kings 11:1-3)
15. A wife?...NOT! - Paul (1 Corinthians 7:32-35) 
TEN PUNS
1) A vulture boarded a plane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess  stopped him and said, "Sorry sir, only one carrion per passenger"

2) NASA recently sent a number of Holsteins into orbit for experimental purposes. they called it "the herd shot round the world".

3) Two boll weevils grew up in S. Carolina. One took off to Hollywood and became a rich star. The other stayed in Carolina and never amounted to much  --and naturally became known as the lesser of two weevils.

4) 2 Eskimos in a kayak were chilly, so they started a fire, which sank the craft, proving the old adage, "you can't have your kayak and heat it too."

5) A 3-legged dog walks into an old west saloon, slides up to  the bar and announces, "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

6) Did you hear about the Buddhist who went to the dentist and refused to take Novocain? He wanted to transcend dental medication.

7) A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel, and met in the lobby where they were discussing their recent victories in chess tournaments.  The hotel manager came out of the office after an hour, and asked them to disperse. He couldn't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.

8) A woman has twins, gives them up for adoption. One goes to an Egyptian family and is named "Amahl". The other sent to a Spanish family and is named "Juan". Years later Juan sends his birth mother a picture of himself. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband she wishes she had a picture of Amahl. Her husband replies, "They're twins, for Pete's same!!!  If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amahl!!!"

9) A group of Franciscan Friars opened a florist shop to help with their bellfry payments. Everyone liked to buy flowers from these men of God, so their business flourished. A rival florist became upset that his business  was suffering because people felt compelled to buy from the Friars,  so he asked the Friars to cut back hours or close down. The Friars  refused. So the florist then hired Hugh McTaggert, the biggest, meanest thug in town. He went to the Friars' shop, beat them up,
destroyed their flowers, trashed their shop, and said that if they didn't close, he'd be back. Well, totally terrified, the Friars
closed up shop and hid in their rooms. This proved that Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist Friars.

10) Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot his whole life, which created an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him frail, and with his odd diet, he suffered from very bad breath. This made him...what? (This is so bad it's good.) --a super callused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

And finally...there was a gal who sent 10 puns to some friends in hopes of at least one of the puns would make them laugh.
Unfortunately, no pun in ten did!

THOUGHTS TO PONDER
* Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.
* Just think how much deeper the ocean would be if sponges didn't live there.
* If a cow laughs, does milk come out her nose?
* Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?
* If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?
* I went for a walk last night and my kids asked me how long I'd be gone. I said, "The whole time."
* After eating, do amphibians need to wait an hour before getting OUT of the water?
* I just got skylights put in my place. The people who live above me are furious.
* Do they have reserved parking for non-handicapped people at the Special Olympics?
* Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
* Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?
* Why are they called buildings, when they're already finished? Shouldn't they be called builts?
* What would a chair look like if your knees bent the other way?
* If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, do the other trees make fun of it?
* When I erase a word with a pencil, where does it go?
* How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?
* Why do they wait until a pig is dead to "cure" it?
* What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?
* Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

WEB GRAFFITI ZINE ARCHIVE
Hillman Eclectic Studio
 

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