WEB GRAFFITI ZINE
Zine 48
Collated by Bill Hillman


An eclectic collection of oddities, humorous anecdotes, weird photos,
funny headlines, cartoons, puzzles, inspirational items, jokes, and more...
gathered here as a reference repository for
speakers, lecturers, teachers, students, writers,
or Web travellers just looking for diversion and a bit of levity.

 

MORE LETTERMAN TOP TEN LISTS FOR TEACHERS
Late Night with David Letterman

Top Ten Things You Don't Want To Hear From Your Teacher On The First Day Of School
September 2, 2003
10. "Your grade will be determined by how well you wash my car"
9. "Parent-teacher conferences at 3:00pm; if your mom's hot, it's dinner and drinks"
8. "If my methods seem unconventional, it's because I forged my teaching credentials at Kinko's"
7. "I'm not good with names, so I'm going to call all of you 'Skippy'"
6. "Is it just me, or is chalk delicious?"
5. "Study, don't study -- honestly, I only care about tonight's Lotto numbers"
4. "I'm just a substitute -- your teacher is being detained at Camp X-Ray"
3. "Screw math -- just cheat off the exchange student"
2. "Hey everybody! Looks like we got a bed-wetter!"
1. "I was George W. Bush's English teacher"
Top Ten Ways To Make Going Back To School More Fun
August 27, 2002
10. Goodbye three-ring binders, hello four-ring binders
9. Learn to throw your voice and make the quiet kid talk dirty
8. Shower after every class, not just gym
7. Remind yourself your yearly allowance is only a few hundred bucks less than your teacher's salary
6. Dissect a frog... in history class
5. The ride seems faster on top of the bus
4. With luck, phys. ed. teacher could be a striking Major League Baseball player
3. Unionize your shop class
2. For show and tell, how about a rabid raccoon?
1. Be like Dave. Join the glee club!
Top Ten Signs Your Kid Had A Bad First Day At School.
September 7, 2004
10. Already voted "Least Likely to Succeed."
9. His class schedule includes daily beatings from bullies, teachers, and the custodial staff.
8. Lunch was whatever he could scrape off the bottom of his desk.
7. His school bus driver made him ride on the outside of the bus.
6. Got tackled twice in gym class--three times in algebra.
5. He comes home pledging loyalty to fearless leader Kim Jong-Il
4. When you ask how his day went he tells you to direct all further questions to his attorney.
3. Homework on the first day: try not to be such a loser.
2. You know the kid everyone picks on? He got picked on by that kid.
1. Your last name is McGreevey.

MOM WANTED - Job Description
POSITION:
Mom, Mama, Mommy,  Mother

JOB DESCRIPTION:
Long term, team players needed, for challenging permanent work in an, often chaotic environment. Candidates must possess excellent communication and organizational skills and be willing to work variable hours, which will include evenings and weekends and frequent 24 hour shifts on call. Some overnight travel required, including trips to primitive camping sites on rainy weekends and endless sports tournaments in far away cities. Travel expenses not reimbursed. Extensive courier duties also required.

RESPONSIBILITIES:
The rest of your life. Must be willing to be hated, at least temporarily, until someone needs $5. Must be willing to bite tongue repeatedly. Also, must possess the physical stamina of a pack mule and be able to go from zero to 60 mph in three seconds flat in case, this time, the screams from the backyard are not someone just crying wolf. Must be willing to face stimulating technical challenges, such as small gadget repair, mysteriously sluggish toilets and stuck zippers. Must screen phone calls, maintain calendars and coordinate production of multiple homework projects. Must have ability to plan and organize social gatherings for clients of all ages and mental outlooks.

Must be willing to be indispensable one minute, an embarrassment the next. Must handle assembly and product safety testing of a half million cheap, plastic toys, and battery operated devices. Must always hope for the best but be prepared for the worst. Must assume final, complete accountability for the quality of the end product. Responsibilities also include floor maintenance and janitorial work throughout the facility.

POSSIBILITY FOR ADVANCEMENT & PROMOTION:
Virtually none. Your job is to remain in the same position for years, without complaining, constantly retraining and updating your skills, so that those in your charge can ultimately surpass you

PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE:
None required unfortunately. On-the-job training offered on a continually exhausting basis.

WAGES AND COMPENSATION:
Get this! You pay them! Offering frequent raises and bonuses. A balloon payment is due when they turn 18 because of the assumption that college will help them become financially independent.  When you die, you give them whatever is left. The oddest thing about this reverse-salary scheme is that you actually enjoy it and this wish you could only do more.

BENEFITS:
While no health or dental insurance, no pension, no tuition reimbursement, no paid holidays and no stock options are offered; this job supplies limitless opportunities for personal growth and free hugs for life if you play your cards right.

The Leopard and The Poodle
 A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa, taking her faithful aged poodle named Cuddles, along for the company.

One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, Cuddles discovers that she's lost.  Wandering about, she notices a leopard heading rapidly in her direction with the intention of having lunch.

The old poodle thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!" Noticing some bones on the ground close by, she immediately settles down to chew on the bones with her back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the old poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?"

Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew!", says the leopard, "That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!"

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the old poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must
be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.

The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!"

Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?", but instead of running, the dog sits down with her back to her attackers, pretending she hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle says: "Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!"

Moral of this story..

Don't mess with old guys...age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill! Bullshit and brilliance only come with age and experience!

Notable Quotes

BANKS
"If bankers can count, how come they always have ten windows and two tellers?" ~ Milton Berle

"A lot of people will urge you to put some money in a bank, and in fact, within reason this is very good advice. But don't go overboard. Remember, what you are doing is giving your money to someone else to hold on to, and I think that it is worth keeping in mind that the businessmen who run banks are so worried about holding on to things that they put little chains on all their pens." ~ Miss Piggy

"A banker is a person who is willing to make a loan if you present sufficient evidence to show you don't need it."  ~ Herbert V. Prochnow

"The Chase Manhattan Bank's memorable advertising campaign is built around the slogan: 'You have a friend at Chase Manhattan!' 'Tis said that a sign in the window of the nearby Bank of Israel reads: 'But here you have relatives!'"  ~ Leo Rosten

BARGAINS
"Bargain: Something you can't use at a price you can't resist." ~ Franklin P. Jones

"Buying something on sale is a very special feeling. In fact, the less I pay for something, the more it is worth to me. I have a dress that I paid so little for that I am afraid to wear it. I could spill something on it, and then how would I replace it for that amount of money?"  ~ Rita Rudner

BILLS
"Personal qualities you need to have in order to be a good lover...One of you should know how to write a check. Because, even if you have tons of love, there is still going to be a lot of bills." ~ Ava, age 8

BORROWING
"Live within your income, even if you have to borrow money to do so." ~ Josh Billings

"To get back on your feet, miss two car payments." ~ Anonymous

"If your account with a credit card company gets messed up, do not attempt to unsnarl it. It's simpler just to move away and start a new life under an assumed name." ~ Robert Stapp

"I have what no millionaire has: no money!" ~ Milton Berle

KNOW YOUR STATE MOTTO

Alabamaa: Hell Yes, We Have Electricity.
Alaska: 11,623 Eskimos Can't Be Wrong!
Arizona: But It's A Dry Heat.
Arkansas: Literacy Ain't Everything.
California: By 30, Our Women Have More Plastic Than Your Honda.
Colorado: If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother.
Connecticut: Like Massachusetts, Only The Kennedy's Don't Own It Yet.
Delaware: We Really Do Like The Chemicals In Our Water.
Florida: Ask Us About Our Grandkids.
Georgia: We Put The Fun In Fundamentalist Extremism.
Hawaii: Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki T oru (Death To Mainland Scum, Leave Your Money)
Idaho: More Than Just Potatoes...Well, Okay, We're Not, But The Potatoes Sure Are Real Good
Illinois: Please, Don't Pronounce the "S"
Indiana: 2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free
Iowa: We Do Amazing Things With Corn
Kansas: First Of The Rectangle States
Kentucky: Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names
Louisiana: We're Not ALL Drunk Cajun Wackos, But That's Our Tourism Campaign.
Maine: We're Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster
Maryland: If You Can Dream It, We Can Tax It
Massachusetts: Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden's
Michigan: First Line Of Defense >From The Canadians
Minnesota: 10,000 Lakes...And 10,000,000,000,000 Mosquitoes
Mississippi: Come And Feel Better About Your Own State
Missouri: Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars At Work
Montana: Land Of The Big Sky, The Unabomber, Right-wing Cra! zies, and Very Little Else.
Nebraska: Ask About Our State Motto Contest
Nevada: Hookers and Poker!
New Hampshire: Go Away And Leave Us Alone
New Jersey: You Want A ##$%##! Motto? I Got Yer ##$%##! Motto Right here!
New Mexico: Lizards Make Excellent P! ets
New York: You Have The Right To Remain Silent, You Have The Right To An Attorney...
North Carolina: Tobacco Is A Vegetable
North Dakota: We Really Are One Of The 50 States!
Ohio: At Least We're Not Michigan
Oklahoma: Like The Play, But No Singing
Oregon: Spotted Owl...It's What's For Dinner
Pennsylvania: Cook With Coal
Rhode Island: We're Not REALLY An Island
South Carolina: Remember The Civil War? Well, We Didn't Actually Surrender Yet
South Dakota: Closer Than North Dakota
Tennessee: The Edyoocashun State
Texas: Se Hablo Ingles
Utah: Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus
Vermont: Ay, Yep
Virginia: Who Says Government Stiffs And Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix?
Washington: We have more rain than you do
West Virginia: One Big Happy Family...Really!
Wisconsin: Come Cut The Cheese!
Wyoming: Where Men Are Men... And The Sheep Are Scared
You're An EXTREME Redneck When.....

1.  You let your 14-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.
2.  The Blue Book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas is in it.
3. You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
4.  You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night.
5.  You wonder how service stations keep their rest-rooms so clean.
6.  Someone in your family died right after saying, "Hey, guys, watch this."
7.  You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.
8.  Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.
9.  Your junior prom offered day care.
10.  You think the last words of the "Star-spangled Banner" are "Gentlemen, start your engines."
11.  You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.
12.  The Halloween pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse.
13.  You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.
14.  One of your kids was born on a pool table.
15. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.
16.  You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against it.
17.  You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.
Why? Why? Why?
1. Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?
2. Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?
3. If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?
4. If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?
5. Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?
6. Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?
7. Why does "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing?
8. Why do "tug" boats push their barges?
9. Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game" when we are already there?
10. Why are they called "stands" when they are made for sitting?
11. Why is it called "after dark" when it really is "after light"?
12. Doesn't "expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected?
13. Why are a "wise man" and a "wise guy" opposites?
14. Why do "overlook" and "oversee" mean opposite things?
15. Why is "phonics" not spelled the way it sounds?
16. If work is so terrific, why do they have to pay you to do it?
17. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
18. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
19. If you are cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?
20. Why is bra singular and panties plural?
21. Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote control when you know the batteries are dead?
22. Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase?
23. How come abbreviated is such a long word?
24. Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?
25. Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
26. Why do they call it a TV set when you only have one?
27. Christmas oxymoron: What other time of the year do you sit in front of a dead tree and eat candy out of your socks?
Do You Remember When? . . .

16  THINGS THAT IT TOOK ME OVER 50 YEARS TO LEARN:
By Dave Barry, Nationally  Syndicated Columnist 

1.  Never, under any circumstances,  take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same  night.
2.  If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the  human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential,  that word would be "meetings."
3. There is a very fine line  between "hobby" and "mental illness."
4. People who want to share their  religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with  them.
5. You should not confuse your career with your life.
6.  Nobody cares if you can't dance well.  Just get up and  dance.
7.  Never lick a steak knife.
8.  The most  destructive force in the universe is gossip.
9.  You will  never find anybody who can give you a compelling reason why we observe  daylight savings time.
10.  You should never say anything to a  woman that even remotely suggests you think she's pregnant unless you can  see an actual baby emerging from her at that very  moment.
11.  There comes a time when you should stop expecting  other people to make a big deal about your birthday.  That time is  age eleven.
12.  The one thing that unites all human beings,  regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic  background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above  average drivers.
13.  A person, who is nice to you, but rude to a  waiter, is not a nice person.(This is very important.  Pay  attention.  It never fails.)
14.  Your friends love you  anyway.
15.  Never be afraid to try something new.  Remember  that a lone amateur built the Ark.  A large group of professionals  built the Titanic.
16.  Thought for the day: Men are like fine  wine.  They start out as grapes, and it's up to the women to stomp  the crap out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner  with.
Robin Williams' Plan for the UN
I see a lot of people yelling for peace but I have not heard of a plan for peace. So, here's one plan.

1.) The US will apologize to the world for our "interference" in their affairs, past & present. You know, Hitler, Mussolini, Tojo, Noriega, Milosevic and the rest of those 'good ole boys,' We will never "interfere" again.

2.) We will withdraw our troops from all over the world, starting with Germany, South Korea and the Philippines. They don't want us there. We would station troops at our borders. No one sneaking through holes in the fence.

3.) All illegal aliens have 90 days to get their affairs together and leave. We'll give them a free trip home. After 90 days the remainder will be gathered up and deported immediately, regardless of who or where they are. France would welcome them.

4.) All future visitors will be thoroughly checked and limited to 90 days unless given a special permit. No one from a terrorist nation would be allowed in. If you don't like it there, change it yourself and don't hide here. Asylum would never be available to anyone. We don't need any more cab drivers or 7-11 cashiers.

5.) No foreign "students" over age 21. The older ones are the bombers. If they don't attend classes, they get a "D" and it's back home baby.

6.) The US will make a strong effort to become self-sufficient energy wise. This will include developing nonpolluting sources of energy but will require a temporary drilling of oil in the Alaskan wilderness. The caribou will have to cope for a while.

7.) Offer Saudi Arabia and other oil producing countries $10 a barrel for their oil. If they don't like it, we go some place else. They can go somewhere else to sell their production. (About a week of the wells filling up the storage sites would be enough.)

8.) If there is a famine or other natural catastrophe in the world, we will not "interfere." They can pray to Allah or whomever, for seeds, rain, cement or whatever they need. Besides most of what we give them is stolen or given to the army. The people who need it most get very little, if anything.

9.) Ship the UN Headquarters to an isolated island some place. We don't need the spies and fair weather friends here. Besides, the building would make a good homeless shelter or lockup for illegal aliens.

10.) All Americans must go to charm and beauty school. That way, no one can call us "Ugly Americans" any longer. The Language we speak is ENGLISH.....learn it...or LEAVE...Now, isn't that a winner of a plan.

"The Statue of Liberty is no longer saying 'Give me your poor, your tired, your huddled masses.' She's got a baseball bat and she's yelling, 'You want a piece of me?'"

HOW TO LIVE LONG ENOUGH TO LIVE FOREVER:
THE 13-STEP APPLEYARD PROGRAMME 

1 Don’t even think about smoking and, preferably, don’t hang glide.

2 Eliminate sugar to lower blood insulin levels. Use stevia as a sweetener. It is a South American plant that is both very sweet and good for you.

3 Don’t eat any animal fats. Government guidelies tend to say cut these down, but they probably only say this because they think it’s the best people can manage. No saturated fat at all is probably best.

4 Eat lots of vegetables that grow above ground. Those below ground are heavy in carbohydrates that turn into sugar and raise insulin levels.

5 Don’t overdo the fruit. Contrary to popular wisdom it’s not unconditionally good as it contains sugar. Non-drinking Arabs and Indians who sit around sipping orange juice all day end up with diabetes.

6 Eat nuts. For incompletely understood reasons, people who eat nuts live longer. Not salted peanuts, however (see 7).

7 Don’t salt things. Salt raises blood pressure and will kill you through a stroke or heart attack. For this reason, don’t touch processed food.

8 Don’t have heart bypass surgery or have a stent installed to hold a blocked artery open. Latest figures suggest neither works. People who live longer after them probably do so because the shock made them eat better and exercise more.

9 Have a massive medical assessment, preferably at Kronos in Phoenix, Arizona, to establish what you are doing wrong and, if possible, what genetic weaknesses you have. Continue these assessments throughout your life and adjust supplements accordingly. Read all the latest medical journals to keep up.

10 Exercise vigorously and daily but don’t run. Running is bad for your skeleton.

11 Take a child’s aspirin once a day to thin your blood and a much larger dose before you get on a plane. Ideally, don’t get on a plane.

12 Eat very little. Rats on restricted diets live longer but it is not known if this would damage humans — particularly their brains. So if you forget what 2+2 equals, eat more.

13 Ignore all of the above. They may be wrong and, if a piano falls on you, pointless.


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